New book

I think I wanna start a book, but not one where its about myself…. Well if I still have followers let me know if you wanna read it. It won’t be posted on this account due to losers who hate me for no apparent reason and watch my accounts… Sad I know.

So everyone knows the scene in the book and in the movie new moon the second in the twilight series.

The scene when, Bella is sitting down at the window letting the seasons change and the months go by. People think to themselves,” wow that’s so pathetic, she is doing this over one guy.” But here is the thing about that. What would you do if the guy you fell in love with, the guy you would do anything for just up and left you. The guy that, took away a lot of firsts for you?

I have been there, I was there last year around this time. I was more alive than Bella of course I still somewhat socialized but anyone could tell you there was a very big difference about me. I was empty, absent and hurt. Just like she was.

No my movie theatre stalkers I am not talking a out him I am talking about the man I was with last year.

Obviously I am no longer like that I know what I have in life and I know that that guy wasn’t worth it at all. But do I still get that way from time to time? Of course! He meant the world to me. But he and I have both moved on with our life. I am still figuring out where I want to be and he has a woman that makes him happier than I ever could. Of course it hurts to see him still and of course I am not going to get that fairy tale ending lime edward and bella had, minus the vampire mythology stuff. But I do know I have grown with this experience. I now know how to deal with this.

So instead of dissing people who vent the way they do or act the way they do shouldn’t you put yourself in their shoes?? What if that had happened to you?

Who’s that girl?

So today I went to the theatre that I used to work at. Only because it has five dollar Sundays. Anyways, I go in and wait with my dad at the box office then when he starts getting his tickets I head into the theatre lobby. Mind you its been about a year since I stepped foot into this theatre. Now I’m not one to expect a warm welcome or a nice hello from anyone because its a high school in there. I didn’t leave on good terms with people and others just started to become weird and not say anything to me. Cool right? Anyways, I walk in see my ex whom I really really haven’t seen in about two ish years I think… No it may have been less than that but I’m getting off track here. Walk in he sees me doesn’t say anything to me which is fine its professional that’s cool. See he sees my dad and books it to the concessions stand. I know he is afraid of my dad. So he runs to his friend slash. Co worker slash idk or care about there relationship anymore. And she starts to smirking at me. I have no clue if it was because she thinks I’m afraid of her or if she actually thinks I care about any of them. So it takes me a while to see that she has been promoted to associate manager. That’s awesome I used to be thay too then I grew up and decided to move and get a job that I didn’t hate. So we get concessions and start walking to the ticket podium. Which then I didn’t see them and I was focused on the new Justin Timberlake poster Runner Runner. And the Catching Fire movie that will be coming out soon. So then the girl and the ex and another girl I worked with all come over in like a pack and start staring at me. So my dad said I was famous there. So I make an acceptance speech. Just mumble I would like to thank the little people who made me realize I’m better off without them. Which I admit was I appropriate.  So we walk past them they laugh and snicker Nd at that point I start looking at my shoes because I wore my new favorite heels. They are really really pretty. Anyways, I went into the theatre and say and enjoyed the movie I payed for. But my whole idea of this post, is the fact that I really can’t even remember how the entire theatre got involved in the fact that the ex boyfriend and I didn’t want to be friends. I mean we had mutual friends but once word got out I kinda just stopped talking to people or some just went and got mad at me or made up reasons not to be friends with me. Cool story right? Anyways, how can it be that I work at Disneyland and I see my other ex there all the time a d our falling out and breakup was far worse than the theatre ex. But we are all so much more professional about the break up and such than people who I went to highschool with and worked with for years? I mean I can honestly say that I have not lost a friend besides the ex at disneyland because of the breakup. But here in Colorado they ars unprofessional a d rude. I mean in my eyes if you behave like that in a work atmosphere just because someone walked in that used to work there is pathetic. So I just want to know when do we all grow up? When do people just stop with such hateful or spiteful actions. Granted it could’ve been worse but at the same time I was not impressed on the actions that we all did. But it boggles my mind that I have had worse things done to me by a different ex boyfriend and we are still very professional at work. We have different roles but we still run into one another I still see his new bf and I still am polite and I say hi to her from time to time. Idk if this is just a thing that happens in a highschool atmosphere or what but I am really curious at this point when it stops. I’m also not writing this to be mean or shit talk anyone. Which I know this will be turned into  once I post this. But hey I don’t live here in Colorado so I really care what they say about this post behind my back or on my ask box here. So go for it tell me your thoughts.

The dryer in the apartment is broken. It’s been broken since Saturday. Monday is the day matience will see our request to fix it. So it’ll probably be fixed tomorrow or Wed. So two roomies are completely shocked when the dryer isnt working. Even though its monday. One of them had the nerve to say she didn’t know it was broken. Even though she was the first one to be ttold. Tryin to claim she wasn’t here. Bitch you have been here everyday you knew it was broken. Ugh get me outta here

I keep thinking about these things

More and more and I can’t believe that people get a high off of making others feel so low about themselves. It makes them feel powerful. And then they have the nerve to tell us we are desperate and needy and all this other bull shit. It’s all bull shit. The stuff we allow others to put ourselves through. Then they get mad at us for not saying they are a 10 on the 1-10 scale of hotness. That they so randomly brougth up at lunch mind you. But if yoer you give them a rating mind you is a PASSING grade in school. They give you a 6.75. Because that is a D+ in a grade school rate. Their excuse D for Diplioma… UMM not in College!!

I feel like I shouldn’t be wearing my letters anymore or buying them until I go back to school. I mean the whole idea was for me to start a chapter out here… Why do I feel so lost?

You know what makes me sick? The fact people think they know your life story based on a few status updates or a few stares you exchange at work or a few rumors that go around the line. The fact that people can judge us so quickly before asking us if everything is ok. I mean really who has the right to just tell someone we’re desperate or pathetic or anything like that? How about they think before they speak. I know that’s easier said than done considering I myself have a lack of filter. But at least I know what is appropriate and how to word things.

These people don’t know my life. They don’t know what I have been through the last year, or past 6 years for that matter. Not just a bad falling out with an old hook up, but a long with that a bad falling out with a best friend, an ex boyfriend, having the majority of your friends turn their backs on you because they think YOU are the one acting immature about things even though it was the party that manipulated everyone to THINK that I was the one making these irrational demands.

These people don’t know about the stress I put on myself or the high goals I set up for myself.

These people don’t know the bombshell that was dropped on me in January. That I don’t even get to face and if I do it will be in another 6 years. (I think)…

How can people go around and tell me that I am desperate because I am ready to put myself out there again and ready to settle down in a real NO BULL SHIT drama relationship. How can people go around telling me I am desperate because of a status update?

How can people go around thinking they know everything about me when it shows they no NOTHING about me.

When,

When will this all pass? When do I get to not think about you? When do I get to see your face and just act like it’s someone I don’t know. When do I get to quit second guessing myself on if I am ready for a new person in my life? When do I get to quit asking myself if love is really out there for people, because what I did was completely wrong and Karma could just say FUCK YOU AMANDA and decide that I don’t get to love another person ever again. When do I get to get past the questions and the judgemental looks I get from people because of the rumors that HER EX made up about me before you started to date her? When do I get to be happy again? When do I get to be so blissfully happy that all I can do is smile when I read a text or look at my phone? How is it fair that you of all people got to be that happy before I did. Especially after what you have done to me. After everything I still go through with your judgemental glares at me along with your little clicks around work. When will it all stop? When do I get to feel good enough again? When do I get to think that no matter what someone loves me…

When?

All I want to do is go dancing. Not club dancing or country line dancing. No. I want to go ballroom dancing, slow dancing. Wearing a princess gown, dressed up with a guy I really like. Taking me to the dance floor and dancing with me. A ball like what they show in Cinderella. Those old school balls. They never happen anymore. Like chivalry they are hard to find. They only come out every once in a while. Like for stupid holidays or anniversaries for some old school building. Mostly Holidays though.

I don’t know random thought.

Is anyone even listening?